original post date: January 11, 2018
Sitting here, minding my own business, trying not to get lost in my own thoughts I hear this song and it speaks not only to my spirit, my soul but also my life. It causes me to ponder things in a new way and hear the words in a new voice, a voice I have come to know so well, that of my Heavenly Father. The words ring so true and bring tears to my eyes as I sit here just sobbing as I listen to Him, what He wants me to know and to understand, not just for myself but what He is saying to all who would open their hearts to truly hear Him.
When it feels like surgery
And it burns like third degree
And you wonder what is it worth?
When your insides breaking in
And you feel that ache again
And you wonder
What’s giving birth?
Switchfoot-I Won’t Let You Go
To put yourself out there after you have been hurt by someone you loved deeply is no easy task but I have learned that somethings fall apart, at times they crash down around you and you wonder why? Here I sit, just as you may sit, breaking once again, feeling all those pains, just as fresh as they once were but this time I could see like I couldn’t before, can you see too? What is this for, what good is coming from this pain?
If you could let the pain of the past go
Of your soul
None of this is in your control
If you could only let your guard down
You could learn to trust me somehow
I swear, that I won’t let you go
If you could only let go your doubts
If you could just believe in me now
I swear, that I won’t let you go
I won’t let you go
Switchfoot-I Won’t Let You Go
He wants me to let go of the pain I am still holding onto, He wants that for you as well. He wants us to see this is not in our control, He is in control. Yes, we have agency and are free to use it as we so choose but there are times we are at the mercy of another persons agency and we must be open to try and see His hand in this for our benefit as well as theirs. I have come to learn, for myself at least, that it is in times of my pain and heartache that He is trying to help me.
My instinct is to close off and turn away from the love I deeply desire, to feed my doubts with the fears I have of rejection and heartache that is sure to come again if I let someone in. That is not what He wants for me nor is it what He wants for you. He wants us to know that we are enveloped in the great care of His loving arms and He won’t let go. He will lead us to that love we long for. He wants us to let go of those doubts, those fears and believe in Him with all that we have, every fiber of our being and trust in Him.
This pain I feel, that you feel is to help us trust Him, that through it we may see how well He truly knows us, our hearts, our needs, and our desires. Believe in Him and know that He won’t let go and He will lead you to a love that won’t let go but He can’t if we don’t believe. D&C 90:24 (Doctrine and Covenants) “Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good..” Amidst this pain you are feeling He is trying to help you and I each see “that all things work together” for our good, yours and mine alike even though we might not see it that way just yet.
When your fear is currency
And you feel that urgency
You want peace but there’s war in your head
Maybe that’s where life is born
When our facades are torn
Pain gives birth to the promise ahead
Switchfoot-I Won’t Let You Go
Fears truly are much like currency but all they afford us is self-preservation at the expense of another persons heartache, and the great cost of our own heartache by denying a good thing the chance to be born. Fear gives us nothing good, it takes all that is good from us, it closes us off in the guise of protecting us but that causes just as much pain. By opening our heart to Him who created us, our Heavenly Father, peace can be found. The war in our mind that causes us to flee from that which is good (those sweet gifts of love from Him) can be subdued.
Embracing His plan for us, His will for us, that is where real life is born but we often miss it because of our own foolish pride in thinking we know what is best for us and sometimes others and fears of anything being as real as we have long desired and dreamed of, hoped for, prayed for can be shattered if we trust in Him. As we willingly embrace His love and will for us those walls we have built around us will crumble and while that is terrifying it’s not meant to be, not when our faith is in Him, our Savior, the Redeemer of our souls. This is redemption from fear.
His love His mighty and the love He brings into my life and yours is a precious gift from Him, it is a promise of what lies ahead. I know because I have seen a glimpse of it in my life but I had to rely on Him to make my way through the fears and doubts that I have about something I deeply desire is a real possibility in my life, that it could be real for me. That helped me but like many of us, my fate is at the mercy of another.
We aren’t the only ones who are afraid or are in pain, fearful of the possibility of something being real. The question here is, do we trust Him enough to let go and allow Him the time needed to do His work on the heart of another while we are reveling in our own heartache? My answer is yes, I trust Him implicitly. Does that mean I will get the outcome I hope for? No, and that does not cause me to lose hope, I will get the outcome He knows is best for me, I trust that.
There ain’t no darkness strong enough that could tear you out from my heart
There ain’t no strength that’s strong enough that could tear this love apart
Never gonna let you go
Switchfoot-I Won’t Let You Go
He is the light in our lives, every good gift is from Him. I know it’s hard to see that in the midst of pain, heartache, and despair, I know because I have been there, I am there. I have suffered my share of darkness and I tried to do it alone and while I made it through I am only now beginning to see that I was never alone. It was Him who pulled me out of the darkness but only once I was willing to let someone in, trust someone again when everything in me feared how it might turn on me.
I have learned that there is no darkness I am not able to face head-on with the help of my Savior and yours. I also know He often sends us the very people we need in our exact moment of need, to help us through the pain, don’t shut those who love and care for you out. They are heavenly help if you can see that. I am grateful for the heavenly help He has always blessed me with and am deeply sorry for those I have pushed out. He provides us with the people we need out of love, His great love for us.
There is no strength that can tear His love from me or from you, it is always there. Though we may not always feel Him near that doesn’t mean that He has gone away. He is always there but our ability to see Him becomes clouded through our tears as we pass through the pain because we let that pain and all that comes with it effect our sight on Him. Rather than seeing things as they truly are, learning from them, we tend to feel hurt by Him and at times, sadly, we feel that He is the cause of that pain, we don’t understand.
That is the limited vision we have on our own but as we embrace Him as we are in the midst of our pain and heartache He will help us to see things more clearly. He may not reveal all the answers we desire but He will open our eyes that we may see the greater picture, even if only in part.
I don’t know what is to come of this heartache I feel but I am seeing things differently. I was afraid, I am still afraid to let someone in but I know it is a risk He wants me to take. A risk that He will guide me through if I just hold onto Him, believe in Him and have faith in His plan for me. I have long desired His will for me and with that, I have experienced pain, suffering, and heartache, and will continue to do so but I am also able to see the lessons He has wanted me to learn. I don’t yet know that I have learned the lesson here just yet but I am learning somethings.
It is possible to love again, to let someone in, to trust them, to walk in the light of my faith step by step into the great unknown and to know that I am guided and protected. I know that I am able to forgive this pain I am feeling because someone else is hurting, I am learning to be more patient, more understanding and yes, it still hurts but I don’t place my faith in fear. My faith is in my Savior and in my Heavenly Father. They know the beginning from the end, they know the true purpose of all our pains and I trust them with all that I have, every broken, shattered piece of my heart, it is theirs to heal, shape and mold into the heart they know I have.
I’m not always a big fan of my own heart, it feels so deeply and breaks so easily but it also mends and loves still and again and just as much or more than before, no matter how many times it breaks. My trust is much the same, it frustrates me. My heart, my ability to trust, my unbelievable hope, my faith, the ways in which I am able to see things and others, all the love I have to give (even if it’s not received well), they are gifts, beautiful and magnificent and they are from Him as is the love I receive from others, their kindness, consideration, and friendship.
Moroni 10:8 (Book of Mormon) “And again, I exhort you, my brethren, that ye deny not the gifts of God, for they are many; and they come from the same God. And there are different ways that these gifts are administered; but it is the same God who worketh all in all; and they are given by the manifestations of the Spirit” As much as it hurts at times, I cannot deny any of those precious gifts because to do so would be to deny Him and that is not something I want to do, not ever. He has given me far too much for me to forsake Him and I know for a fact that He will not forsake me, He has assured me of that. Hebrews 13: 5 (New Testament) … I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
“Despite all of the negative challenges we have in life, we must take time to actively exercise our faith. “ Richard G. Scott
Letting go of the past to enable something new to be built isn’t an easy task, walk in His light, have faith in His name and infinite abilities to work miracles in you and in your life. It is absolutely possible and so very worth it. It’s not a once and done thing but continuous as we exercise our faith in Him, embrace His love and live in His Great Light. I leave these words with you and I pray they reach deep into your soul, grabbing hold of your spirit and envelope you in His love, the love of those around you and the love I have for you, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
The song I was listening to at the start of this is by Switchfoot-I Won’t Let You Go. All lyrics noted in this post are from this song. It played as I wrote, stuck on repeat so as not to lose sight of what I was to write.
