For those of you who know me, go back with me if you will to the year 2013, I had just converted to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in late February. It was something I had been working towards since September of the previous year, taking the new member lessons from the missionaries and attending church, being included as though I was already a member and loved in the same manner. Now it was late April and I had been asked to speak at a Relief Society activity, something I had obviously not ever done before. The theme for that evening was “Hang Your Burdens Out to Dry”. Those of us who had been asked to speak were informed that we needed to think of a burden we had that could be hung out to dry.
Initially I had chose two words to hang out to dry- Growth & Rebirth. I wondered of these two words which came first, I had to grow in order to be reborn and after I was reborn I continued to grow. Along the way, in many instances I have found that I can be reborn in numerous ways, with each state of rebirth there seems to come a growth phase, it’s a circle I guess, a continual progress.
As I was preparing for and writing my talk the content of what I was to talk about all changed. I had been reading some blog posts from Al Fox (now Al Carraway), who was a recent convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints as well, and was taking notes on her blog post titled, “Fully & Completely”. I had been struggling to pull this talk together, there were so many things I could talk about and I even thought at one point that I had a good start on it and then it all changed.
What I felt I really needed to talk about was one of the greatest burdens I have had in my life, something I struggled with for over 24 years & a brief account on how it had become a burden for me no more; my biggest weakness and how it somehow has become one of my greatest strengths. It was that of my own faith and where I was with it. The way I see it now, it wasn’t so much a burden as it was a trial.
When I was younger, my struggles to me, were great. My heart ached and was torn, my parents divorced when I was maybe 6 years old and with that came family issues. We lived with our mother after their divorce and were able to see our father while she was working. That lasted up until we moved away from my small hometown, then seeing my dad was something we were rarely able to do.
It wasn’t until I was 10 years old that I saw my dad again, and not without what seemed to me to be a huge fight ensuing between my parents for some reason. I won’t bore you with the various details of those struggles, what I will tell you is that because of them and my serious lack of a solid foundation, be it family, faith, religious or otherwise what little faith I may have had then was brought to a near breaking point. I wasn’t sure what I could believe in anymore and when it came to God and Jesus….outwardly I was in denial, inwardly I think I clung to some form of hope that there was a God.
At 16, I had reached a point in my life, where I struggled to believe that there could be a God that would allow such horrible things as I was then facing to happen. It made no sense to me at all. For a long time I felt I had no one to turn to, at least not in the way that was right for me; though I had an aunt and my grandmother on my dads side of the family who encouraged me to attend church. It wasn’t until later in my life a course of events would somehow make right all that was wrong in my life.
At 27, I married for what I truly believed was the last time in my life (I had been married twice before that, both ending in divorce) and yet by the time I had reached 34 I knew it was over and yes, I struggled with that for a very long time. I struggled with the how’s and why’s of it all, I had struggled with those questions during the last few years of that marriage and now that it was over I desperately wanted answers as to why I wasn’t enough to bring about the change in him that might have saved our relationship, our marriage.
I didn’t understand what had happened and that shook what confidence I had gained from this relationship, considering what confidence I had started with which was very little if any. There I was, at another crossroad in my life-fighting for something I had once believed in-the greatest love in my life (at the time) and I realized I was the only one fighting.
Suffice it to say the details of how my world came crashing down around me matter not, what does matter is how it brought me to this point in my life. The point at which I was open to receiving anything from a God I wasn’t all to sure of.
As I wrestled with what to do there were things that happened which caused me to do what I felt was the only thing to do but first I had to trust the feelings I was having. Often times during this ordeal while I was struggling with things I would catch the chorus of one song, in particular, Carrie Underwood’s song titled “Jesus Take The Wheel”. This was something I wasn’t certain of but every time things got really hard I swear I would hear that chorus and one day…I let go, just a little bit and it felt right.
I made the decision to move out, in an attempt to make our lives come back together again but it became painfully clear to me that they were as separate as I felt they were long before I had moved out.
I don’t know that I ever prayed for that marriage, not like I pray these days anyway. You might be wondering what all this has to do with my faith & I’ll get there. It took me a long time to fully understand why things had fallen apart. It has taken a lot of growing on my part to get to a healing point. While I had moved on after my divorce-making many changes- especially in myself I still struggled. In that marriage falling apart I lost my confidence, confidence in myself. This is something I still struggle with but it has gotten better but only because I have changed.
Though I had moved on after that divorce I still had moments where I struggled with that marriage falling apart and I was tired of it. I was tired of all the questions I had that I never received answers from him on. I had even gone so far at this point to ask our Heavenly Father for the answers to these questions and I didn’t hear what I felt I desperately needed. I finally reached a point where I understood that I wasn’t going to get the answers I felt I needed. Somehow it didn’t matter if I was going to get them though I had felt that I wasn’t worthy of hearing the truth or deserving of the answers I sought from my ex-husband.
I reached that point because I gave my problems to the Lord. I had reached a point where I placed complete faith & trust in the Lord and it was then that I could be reborn. It was then that I began to find confidence. It was through my faith in Jesus Christ and my confidence in His power that I was able to rebuild my own self confidence.
I know that we are all here for a reason and that we are brought to and through each trial in our life for an even greater reason, to help us learn, to grow, and in many cases to be reborn again.
In placing my faith in our Savior, in His capabilities and not those of my own, I have come to feel such comfort, greater joy and more peace than I have ever known. I have come to appreciate things in my life so much more and not just the good things but rather all things, the bad as well as the good.
I am grateful for my every trial for without each and every one of them I would not be who I am today. Sometimes I think I am more grateful for the trials in my life than I am the good things. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the good things in my life but I feel it is the trials and afflictions in my life that have brought out a better part of me. They have indeed refined me. Each trial smooths those rough edges that were once abrasive leaving behind a more patient, loving, caring, understanding version of me that was hidden behind those rough spots.
It was as I was taking notes on Al’s blog post that it hit me, the greatest burden I had was that of my own faith and where I was with it. It seems strange how great my faith is now that it was ever a burden to me. The way I see it now, it was more a trail than a burden, it was a great weakness that though its trial I have seen it become one of my greatest strengths.
I feel that I have come to this appreciation because I was reborn in the name of Jesus Christ. In being reborn I found many things. As I grew to know more of our Savior so did my faith and as that grew I reached a point where I became someone new. 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. Ephesians 2:15… for to make in himself of twain one new man, so making peace.
I was reborn because of my faith in Jesus Christ and in that I have found peace. I was reborn as a daughter of God and that means the world to me. He is the one constant I have had throughout my life-though for a long time I think I was either unaware of His presence or unwilling to admit it.
Once I reached that point where I began to recognize Him in my life I started to listen-even if it was just a little bit. I found I was listening more as my life was falling apart. The more I listened the greater my understanding became and I finally learned.
I had learned that if I was going to trust my Heavenly Father I had to do so completely, giving it all to Him, abandoning my own desires to have answers, not just any answers but the ones I thought I needed. In trusting Heavenly Father completely and without doubt, not wavering in my belief in Him, I have found His love, recognized His guidance, seen His hand in my life and have come to be thankful for my trials. With Him, I see just a little bit more of who He sees in me.
Once I was able to see His hand in my life and gave into Him and let go of my fears and put my trust in the Lord fully and completely I recognized that I had gained so much more than I had ever lost. I will always pray and know that when I ask for what I want I must also convey to Him my understanding that it is by His will not my own that it be done just as Jesus taught us in Luke 22:42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.
I have to trust in Him no matter the outcome because He knows who I am and what I need, Heavenly Father knows more than I do. Isaiah 55: 8-9 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my
I am a child of God, I am here to learn and each trial and joy that is set before me is designed to make me the person Heavenly Father knows me to be. Doctrine & Covenants 122:7…know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
No matter where you are in life, be it born and raised in the Gospel of Jesus Christ or still searching for truth, please know that Heavenly Father is ever mindful of you, where you are and what your needs are. You may not be able to see it at the time but He is always with you, He always loves you and He wants nothing more than for you to find your way back to Him.
I know these things to be true because I have witnessed it for myself. I pray that you may come to realize the strength of your faith as you trust in and rely upon our Savior Jesus Christ. I know He lives and is here to help us become that bright being we know deep down inside that we are, He wants to help us cultivate our faith, however weak or small it may seem, into something strong. I leave this message with you in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
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Thank you!