originally post date: March 8, 2017
Let me start by saying tonight was one of the most amazing nights I have had at Institute. For those of you who do not understand what that is let me first explain that it is not an actual institution, one in which I should be committed to, though after reading this you might feel that is necessary for me. Institute is a religious studies course based on the Gospel of Jesus Christ which is what The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is all about. Tonight’s topic was on building Christ-centered lives and then homes. The most essential part of this begins with my number one favorite scripture found in Helaman 5:12 And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall. I love everything about this verse because it is so very true.
As class progressed Brother Walker had this quote from Howard W. Hunter written on the board: “Whatever Jesus lays His hands upon lives. If Jesus lays His hands upon a marriage, it lives. If He is allowed to lay His hands upon the family, it lives.” He then asked us what this meant to us and as a class, we discussed what it meant to those who shared their thoughts. I, however, kept my thoughts to myself, I internalized it, taking it to the very core of who I am today. Someone said something about remembering the covenants we have made and this made me think of who I have become as a result of making and keeping sacred covenants with my Heavenly Father, thus further internalizing this quote. Imagine how that feels when you understand the covenants that you have made and what that means as you read that quote…I live because I have allowed His hands to guide and direct my life. Imagine being able to take this another step forward, making these words and the next ones so very personal as you read Matthew 9:22 …Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.
Do you have any idea what that did for me? The tears came, though I held them back they were there, the way I was left feeling was amazing and overwhelming. As I continue to turn to Him always and in all things He is truly there.
This feeling continued to surge through me as we were driving home for the night. I was thinking of this moment I had just had and coupled that with this whole dating thing and what it is I am truly searching for because I have moments where I know what I want and then I am faced with what is out there, people that have found interest in me and the faith I have that though they may not be all that I am hoping for there is hope that they may become all that I hope and dream of. And somehow in the midst of it all, I felt and still feel like I am too much. I look at who I am and how the silliest things bring excitement to me and I think that’s too much excitement, I look at how the simplest things bring me the greatest joy and think its just too much joy to be had for something so small, I look at how happy I am some days, filled with so much positivity that it just seems too much. And then I reflected on how I feel about the gospel and what that does for me and again it’s just so much, the ways in which it is so much is best found in the conversation I had tonight after I got home. All I wanted to do when I got home was write about how I felt and then this happened and what I felt became that much more intense.
I got a text from a friend asking how I was and truth be told I was on a spiritual high and that’s what told him and when asked why I said we had a great lesson tonight. I went on to say that I truly know what it is that I want and need in a partner in a relationship. Curiosity must have had him because he wanted to know what it is I want and so I told him: “I want someone who pushes me to be better, to live up to the standards that are set before me, someone who will help me learn and grow in the gospel in ways that right now I can only dream of. I want someone who really sees me, every bit from the brightest ray of sunshine I am and can be to the dark cloudy days of my life before, someone who will completely love me, who will also be able to see what I have to offer in our relationship, the ways in which I am able to help him become his truest, best self just as he does for me. Someone who wants the gospel to be as much a part of my life as it is theirs.” I have known that this is what I want for a while now but I keep thinking and feeling like I am asking for too much. I feel like I am too much. He told me I am desirable but it’s definitely a tall order.
I went on to tell him that this hasn’t always been easy for me to accept either but it has changed over time. I was the person that didn’t need church, was sure there was a God but didn’t want to openly admit it, and I believed in the Savior but truthfully I knew very little about Him. I knew who He was but I had no real idea on what that meant to me, personally. I have gone from the person who didn’t need any of that to feeling as though they and church are all I need. I feel it so strongly running through every part of me, it’s what makes me feel so alive, so full of joy and excitement and enthusiasm, so full of the brightest rays of sunshine….so much so that I don’t know how to contain it all and I don’t know that I want to. I just so desperately want to share it, every living, breathing part of it with someone who gets how it makes me feel, who understands what it does for me and what it truly means to me. This person will also treat me as I should be treated just as I will treat him as such.
I feel so much of any one thing at times that at times it just feels like its too much. I know how I feel and what I want and then I have nights like tonight when I feel as though I have been hit with a ton of bricks…the spiritual sort of course and it just makes everything I have been feeling feel that much more intense. Tonight left me feeling like I just had to get it out there in words, all of my too much, and share it with anyone and everyone. It is because of Jesus Christ that I live, He is the very reason and source of my feeling too much and while at times it seems overwhelming, I am and will always be eternally grateful for all that he has blessed me with. I am so very grateful for His hand in my life for I know that I would be nothing without Him and with Him, I can be so much more than I ever dreamed. I know He came to the earth to teach us all that we must know, I know He suffered and died not only for my sins and infirmities but those of the entire world, I know He lives, He loves me and will guide me every step of the way so long as I allow Him to, I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
