It seems it has been years since I last really wrote anything here. Though it hasn’t been years it has been a very long time. You see, I have felt I needed to post something for a while and I haven’t. As I sat here to begin, I wasn’t sure what to title this post. I got up, rinsed my cocoa cup, and switched the laundry and that was when it hit me. I have been struggling to find myself, all over again. As I stepped into my office one of my favorite songs was playing, This Is Me. How fitting.
A few years ago I made a choice that had a devastating effect on me and my spirit. I hadn’t realized it then. I actually saw it as my dreams coming true and for a brief moment in time that’s what it was. What I hadn’t realized were all the red flags. Little things I brushed off and excused or when needed made excuses for. I had a dear friend that could see more than I did and she tried to warn me. What I hadn’t come to fully understand about myself then was that I am deeply influenced by the energy of others, be it good energy or not so good. I was under the influence of a narcissist and was completely clueless about that kind of power and what it not only was doing to me but the lasting effect it would have on me.
I was swept up in feelings of love, thinking what I had found was real. I had no idea that what was happening, in the beginning, was called love bombing. He was so sweet and kind, attentive and generous. We would go and do things together, little adventures or simple dates that meant so much to me. We had so many things in common and both loved the scriptures and that was something I had hoped to find in a future spouse. We had similar marital backgrounds…only similar in their count I would later find as the details I was given about the failings of his past marriages were very one-sided and not at all accurate in so many ways.
Our marriage was short-lived, in more than one way, sadly. We were only married two short years but looking back I see that our marriage barely lasted 6 months. That was when we moved, when I got a job working outside the home, that was when everything started to change. It started with little things I suppose, I’ll admit there were things I let slide once I began working, I didn’t always have breakfast ready for him before he would leave for work as I now had to get ready for work too. But I still tried to do little things like laying his uniform out for him along with the other clothing items he would need, that was something I did up until the day I moved out. I thought I was doing a sweet thing until I heard him one evening on the phone with his mother stating he felt I was treating him like an invalid. That hurt my heart deeply.
The greatest change that took place 6 months into our marriage was our sex life. In the most painful way, for me at least, it ended, without any real explanation. That’s a form of rejection I hadn’t yet experienced and believe me, I have experienced more than my fair share of rejection. We didn’t cuddle or even hug a lot now that I think about it and kissing wasn’t something we did. All forms of affection and any type of intimacy were removed. Affection in all its forms and intimacy on any level is one of the great perks of marriage and some of the sweetest ways in which we can strengthen our relationship with our spouse. It is after all something God has designed for us, a way of connecting with that one person that you chose to spend time and eternity with.
Since becoming a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints I have worked hard to master the natural woman in me in many ways, so I moved forward accepting that intimacy in our marriage was something I could be okay without and I was. What I hadn’t realized was that was just the beginning of things I would have to learn to be okay without.
As time progressed things changed and I did my best to keep going. I prayed for him every day and after a while, I prayed to understand how he was feeling because he didn’t talk with me about that or anything. And then COVID hit. I used to think at the beginning that we would be okay because we were built on a firm foundation, our Savior Jesus Christ. What I hadn’t realized then was that we each may have been built upon a sure foundation in our Savior but our marriage…somehow that seemed to fall through the cracks.
Up to this point, our church attendance had been pretty good since moving to a new ward. We each had callings with the young men and young women which allowed us to serve together but after a while, he began making excuses not to go to the activities and later to church. That started as just going for sacrament meetings and later not really at all. Once church transitioned to being home-centered I thought how wonderful, we would be able to have the sacrament at home, my sweetheart would have the authority to bless and pass the sacrament for us. That only lasted a short while too.
I would wake up and make breakfast in the hopes of rising my little family (his son lived with us) for home church and they would sleep. For a couple of weekends, home church began afternoon and then closed to one or two, and then…it stopped. He knew how I felt about church and attendance. He knew how much the sacrament meant to me and he quit doing it.
One weekend I traveled up to his parents just to be able to partake of the sacrament. He wasn’t happy about that. He accused me of talking bad things about him to his parents which I didn’t do. I just knew what I needed and I wasn’t getting it at home so I turned to the only family I had here. It was the only time I went to his parents for church. Soon after they began allowing us to go back to the chapels for sacrament meetings in rotation. I went every week regardless of the rotation because I desperately needed it.
It was also during this time I had been offered a full-time position at work. I gratefully accepted the opportunity. I began burying myself in my work. I’d go in on Saturdays just to avoid being at home because I didn’t feel like I belonged there. It wasn’t home, no matter what I did to make it one. I felt so secluded. I hadn’t realized I had allowed him to separate me from my friends, silly girl. I hadn’t seen that he needed all of my attention for himself. I hadn’t made a trip to see my friends in Idaho since he and I got together. Many of my friends I had just quit talking with. After a while, I didn’t feel like I could talk with them, though I’m not sure why I felt that way. I suspect I was picking up on his feelings there and not my own, though I couldn’t tell the difference.
Looking back at what could be considered journal entries this is how I had been feeling below is an entry from June 21, 2020.
I feel like the shell of a person, empty and hollow inside. Walls have risen and it seems there’s no hope of them ever crumbling. I don’t want to feel anything and yet all I feel is empty and disappointed. I’m not the person I used to be and I miss that. I didn’t get married again to be alone, to do things alone, or find a friend to enjoy them with so I just sit here….dying inside a little more each day and I feel horrible for that.
I don’t feel worth the effort anymore…not even for myself and I have to at least change that for myself…I deserve that, I just need to find get myself there. I need to care about myself enough for that.
I don’t even feel I can talk with anyone about this, I feel awful.
I’m concerned that no matter what I do it will be the wrong thing. Either way, someone gets hurt whether it’s more or less. I can’t talk with him, he just shuts down and now…now I’m the one shutting down. I’m shutting down in a way I have never done before. Walking away isn’t the answer…but I don’t see change in the future either.
I feel paralyzed by my past and the future, not knowing what to do because of past experience and the results attained. I know everyone is different and not all outcomes are the same. Maybe I’m the one who is being selfish, feeling as though I have been the only one to bend and compromise until I feel there is nothing left of me. Maybe it’s selfish of me to want him to change and make sacrifices too. Maybe he has and does and I just don’t see it.
personal journal entry
I was hurting and couldn’t see a way out. I didn’t know who I was anymore, any sense of self I once had seemed long gone.
Here is another entry.
I have this question that wont seem to leave my mind and yet I dont know how to really ask it. Are you equally yoked? Do you feel that we are equally yoked?
Sad thing is, I don’t feel that we are.
personal journal entry June 29, 2020
It seemed to me to be a strange question to have on my mind but it wouldn’t let me be. Truthfully, I didn’t feel we were equal in anything. As I continue to read the notes I had made then it was clear where things were headed.
I just want to crawl in a hole and die. I’ve never felt so ignored in all my life…well, maybe I have but not while both parties involved were under the same roof. It took everything in me not to break down and cry last night. Today…nothing. i was shocked to have gotten a text asking if i wanted anything for dinner…seriously, I wanted to reply “so now you are talking to me?” But didnt. I just said I wasn’t hungry and said thanks. He didnt even come down to go and get food, Jarom went to pick it up. This week has been awful. I’m trying to understand and not be hurt or offended but I just want to leave the house. I dont want to spend the whole weekend here in this house like this all weekend, I dont. I dont deserve this.
This isnt the marriage I thought I had signed up for. I never imagined he would ever make me feel this way. I just want to run but I made a covenant with God and I can’t run from that.
I hope that things will change and fear they won’t but have to allow my faith to be greater than my fear because my God is greater than my fears. I hate that history repeats itself, especially when it comes to my relationships.
I keep running things through my mind…did I rush into this? Were there signs I ignored? How is it that things have gone so very wrong here.
I’m sitting here fighting back tears, my heart is aching, breaking…my life is not what I thought it would be, my marriage is falling apart right before me and I feel helpless.
It’s as though he is doing everything he can to avoid me this week. He hasn’t come in to get ready for work til after I leave, he’s asleep when I come home from work and doesn’t get up til I need to go to bed. I tried talking to him this morning before I left to see if he was going into work and nothing. The most I got was “you have to work, I thought it was a holiday” when I brought Digger home from the groomer. He didnt even text me this morning. It’s great that he asked if I wanted something for dinner but that was it. Nothing more.
This sucks. I thought I was over being ignored in a relationship. I dont know how much more I can take. I dont even feel like I should be here right now. Getting a hotel room and taking the dog with me has crossed my mind several times now. This isnt how marriage is supposed to be.
I get being depressed and overwhelmed…hello, you aren’t the only one. But shutting me out has shut me down, something I never imagined he would do to me. I find myself wondering what it is that I have done to cause this.
personal journal entry July 3, 2020
I had missed flags. I have come to see now that what I thought was an answer to whether or not I should marry him was more a stupor of thought. There wasn’t a yes, or a no but more a neutral feeling I guess. It wasn’t a confirmation that’s for sure. And there had been things in the beginning that knowing what I know now were clues as to home it would be.
I had lost so much of me that I didn’t recognize myself anymore.
I passed on an opportunity for a priesthood blessing today…something I feel I am in need of and yet dont want to face anyone. I’m afraid all they will see is the ugliness that seems to consume me these days. I dont even know who I am anymore. It’s not like me to actively ignore the door but lately that’s what I do when someone is knocking. I don’t want to be around anyone really. I dont know what has happened to me and a priesthood blessing would do one of two things at this point…it would confirm that Heavenly Father sees all the ugliness in me or remind me how much He truly loves me. I’m not sure I am ready to face either of those just yet.
person journal entry July 12, 2020
Part of me is deeply afraid that I have become just like my mother…something I dont want, have never wanted.
I just want to be alone. Maybe it’s because i feel alone…maybe i just like being alone, living alone. I wonder sometimes if i should have spent more time single after moving here, learn to be on my own, make friends…no, no friends. I tried that once, it didnt turn out so well.
I dont necessarily like who i am right now and yet i dont really know how to shake this funk i feel so submerged in. Turn to the scriptures is the thought that keeps coming to my mind at this moment, so i shall.
As I continue to read the entries it only gets worse, more heartbreaking. It was a couple of months later I reached my breaking point. Over the last few months, he had mentioned a desire to retire, change jobs but nothing he ever talked with me about. Not until I had talked with him about procedures my doctor ordered I get done, some due to family history and others because they needed to happen. I was able to get the colonoscopy done and my bladder surgery was scheduled for the next month. (this was in October 2020)
He came to me one night, as I was getting ready for bed and asked if we could talk, I was in the midst of using the restroom so I asked for a little privacy to which he giggled and said, “What, are you afraid I’m going to hear something?” That I didn’t find funny. Once I got dressed I went downstairs to where he had gone. He said, “I want your input on something”. I said okay. He then proceeded to tell me he was retiring in 2 weeks and that he had a new job. I asked what this meant for insurance and he said he had insurance with his new job. I told him I had my surgery scheduled and asked when our current insurance would terminate, he said November 1st. My surgery was scheduled for the 5th. I congratulated him on retiring and his new job and proceeded to go upstairs to get ready for bed.
I was so hurt. He didn’t want my input on anything, he had already done it. Making decisions for us like he was the only one that mattered. At that moment I knew our marriage was over. I had no idea what I was going to do let alone where I might go. All I knew is that I wasn’t wanted there anymore and if I ever hoped to find myself again I needed to leave.
I never imagined I would be sealed and it would fall apart. I was in it for the long haul, or so I thought. Deep in my heart, I knew this wasn’t the kind of marriage my Heavenly Father wanted for me. I had come so far in my journey, to discover I had worth let alone feeling I had worth and here I was all over again feeling worthless.
Why was it necessary for me to share any of those journal entries with you? To see even a fraction of how lost I felt back then, it was needed. Though reading my words may not come close to comprehending even a fraction of what I endured it does offer a glimpse. Anyone who has ever been in any kind of abusive relationship can understand. We see that we are at fault, we just need to try harder, do more, be more understanding, compassionate, forgiving, more of this or that, whatever it is, we don’t see that we aren’t the problem until we are so completely broken down that we don’t recognize ourselves.
So, how did I find myself? Aside from removing myself from what was for me a very harmful situation, I had to recognize my part in it. Those things I failed to see because I hadn’t listened, I hadn’t truly opened my eyes to see the things that were before me for what they were, warning signs. I somehow lost trust in myself before things had even gone very far. That or I desperately wanted to see all the good things. Truthfully, it was a mix of both I think.
I have always strived to see the best in others. As he was telling me his story, how others had done him wrong and hurt him, I failed to see his accountability in any of it. It was all everyone else’s fault, he was the victim. We have all been in a relationship, it takes two and while there are instances where it is one person who causes the hurt, the heartache, the trouble, whatever, it’s rare for it to always be everyone else but you in multiple relationships.
I have accepted my responsibility for failed relationships. I understand I am not perfect. In one instance I had no business being married, I had no idea what it meant let alone how it should work. I was young and lacked any kind of self-worth. I didn’t see that I was just a replacement for what he had once had. I didn’t even love him and I doubt that he loved me. I didn’t listen then to my inner voice that said I shouldn’t do this.
I’ve made mistakes and choices that can’t be changed. I have hurt people and for that, I am truly sorry. I can own my part in those failed relationships. I can work towards personal healing so as not to repeat those things. I can repent and ask those I have hurt for forgiveness. I can rely upon the Savior to help each of us heal as I pray for those I have hurt. I can move forward with faith that things can be better, different the next time I put myself out there and try.
What I can’t do is make someone else change. I cannot own their hurt and make it my own. I cannot do their work for them. They must have a desire for healing.
In finding myself I am learning new things about myself and relearning others. No matter how deeply I have been hurt, I still see the good in people. My eyes are open to deeper understanding, my heart is open to show greater compassion for what they must be going through, all the hurt that may have led them to hurt me. I have learned that no matter the hurt our SAvior stands ready, arms outstretched to embrace us, comfort us and help us. He will help us become stronger, more caring, more kind, more understanding, show and exercise greater patience and fill us with joy beyond belief, love deeper than the mind can comprehend.
With Jesus Christ on our side, there is nothing we cannot do.
I still have much to learn about myself but I do remember that I have worth. I have come to see and deeply appreciate how Heavenly Father sees and reveres each of His daughters. The depth and breadth of His love for each of His children is so much more than we can comprehend at this time but it is real.
I am grateful for His help in finding myself again. I may have lost myself but I wasn’t lost to Him. For that, I am truly grateful.
