original post date: March 24, 2017
The other day I was looking for something and came across some poems and stuff I had written when I was younger. In the mess of papers I came across a sheet that had two verses of scripture from the Bible written on it, the first being: Hebrews 13:5-6 Let your conversation be without covetousness ; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.
I found it amazing that I would have written anything out of the Bible as I knew very little about it’s contents or how to understand them and yet this was one of the verses I chose to write. I couldn’t help but wonder why. I did something kind of foolish after a while, I went to the basement where my old journals are stored and I brought them up and began to search through them. I was looking for something around the same time I had written these verses down. There was a lot of nonsense writing about an on again off again teen romance with a boy. Some of the things I had to say surprised me, I was at times a kind of hateful person. I understand to some degree the reasons why I was so hurtful, I was hurting and had no one to turn to, no one I could really trust. Though I only skimmed through things in each notebook, there were only a few, I couldn’t seem to find anything near that time frame I was searching for. It’s as though there was a chunk of time where things just dropped. I know there are some journals that are missing, my dad got rid of those when I moved in with him at the age of 16 but what I was looking for came after that.
With no answers from the past to help me understand this verse, or at least the why behind my having written down the only thing I could do was wonder…why this verse?, what was I going through at this time in my life and would that help me to understand this any better?, why I am finding this now?…so many questions and no concrete answers.
When I was a kid I didn’t have the latest fashions or newest trends, I got hand me downs every now and again from my aunt’s and cousin’s or ladies my mother knew. The most in style stuff I had was from my family, last years trends but I had clothes to wear and I was grateful for that. Sure I wished I had nicer, newer, trendier things, I still want that but I am content with what I have, for the most part I think I have always felt this way. That makes sense for the first part of this verse. As for the second part of that sentence “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee”…is that anything I could have ever understood then. There were times I had felt so very alone and was so very angry with God for things in my life, that happened to me, to my loved ones. I was angry because these things made no sense to me at all, I couldn’t understand why bad things happened to good people or even innocent people and why no one protected us. Was I somehow able to find comfort in these things I had written down, then? I can now, more than ever, at least on the part where He will never leave me alone and for more than just the reason of likening scriptures unto myself as we are asked to do (for that is the reason they have been written, personal messages to us from our Heavenly Father, we just need to have an open heart and mind willing to receive His loving words) but because I have heard him speak these words to me before in a sense. His words truly touch my heart, they are the sweetest words my ears have ever heard, that my eyes have read and that my soul continually drinks up.
The word forsake, for those who need greater insight to the word as I did, means to renounce or turn away from entirely. How great the joy it brings to my heart to know that Heavenly Father will not forsake me, even when it seems my earthly parents seem to have had no trouble in doing so. Things did get better for my dad and I and for that I am eternally grateful, but that’s not the case with my mother and I have come to terms with that. I have to because dwelling on what I do not have is not an option. Really if you think about it go back and read the first part of this verse, I am content with what I have. There is no joy to be had in wishing things were differently but oh how great and marvelous the joy is in being happy with what you have.
This brings me to verse 6 which reads, “…The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.” How wondrous are His ways and merciful He is in teaching us, showing us His ways with patience, love and kindness. If I take that verse as it is written and as I was meant to read it all those years ago, He was telling me that He was here to help me and that I should not have fear for what others might do to me. As I read those same words now and look back at the course of my life I know He has truly helped me. I could not have made it this far without Him. The last part of this verse helps me to understand how I have no real fear of what “man shall do unto me”. It’s not an easy thing for me to explain really, I am just not afraid of what anyone might do to me. Maybe that is what makes it easy for me to extend trust to others and keep extending it even once it has been lost in small ways. could that also be the same reasoning behind my not giving up on love, though rejection is something I have faced more than I care to admit in my marriages or even relationships, I still try, holding more tightly to hope than fear of pain.
The second verse from Psalms 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death , I will fear no evil : for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. This is truly another great reminder to me that He is always with me. Elder Holland has stated that “In ancient days the only instruments a shepherd carried were a rod and a staff. The rod was a short, stout, club-like weapon used to defend oneself or the flock from an intruder. It was meant to be—and to convey—strength and power in the hand of a strong shepherd who knew how to use it. …“The staff was a longer, lighter piece, usually with a hook (or crook) on the end used for rescuing a stranded sheep. It, more than the rod, is associated in both art and myth with the shepherd and his vigilant watchcare. … Everything about the staff speaks of safety and care. It is the great scriptural instrument of rescue and redemption.“In life we need defending and we need rescue. One way or the other, we are vulnerable. Whether it be in threatening confrontations or routine wandering, we are blessed and protected by God’s vigilant care.” Further proof, though I do not need it but He has graciously blessed me with it, that I have always been protected by God.
Again, this to provides more questions than answers but it truly speaks to me, in ways I am not able to fully share. The details are too painful, the reality of it too harsh and heart breaking. The outcome however….how glorious, even more so as I look back and see how it all unfolded.
In all of this I have somehow come to see that at the very core of each of us we know whom to call upon in our weakest moments. Even if we aren’t sure where our faith lies or whether or not we know our faith even exists, when life gets too hard to bear we always know whom to call. I have spent the last 4 years doing a lot of reflecting on my past. This made me look at the harder parts of it…sadly four divorces are much easier than were my teen years. I struggled with where I fit in, where I belonged and yes, I struggled deeply with my faith, I’m not even sure I really comprehended what it truly meant to have faith, let alone know who, what or where my faith may have been placed in. As I sit here now, reflecting, it has occurred to me that I have finally found a place and a point in my life where I feel like I fit in and yet I still have those moments when I feel a little lost, but nothing like before. It has taken me 24 years to find my faith. In finding my faith in our Savior Jesus Christ, His restored Gospel, infinite Atonement and all that He truly stands for I am only now beginning to find my place, where I fit in, where I truly belong. I am His, I belong amongst His flock within the fold of His sheep. I am the daughter of the Almighty King, our Heavenly Father, the one who will not forsake me, who loves me completely and endlessly. Twenty-four years is a long time to wonder this earth trying to find your place. It hasn’t always been easy, especially considering those same 24 years I was also very lost, no part of His light to truly guide me but there was a faint flicker. Ever so faint a flicker that never really acknowledged it for what it was…maybe because then I had no real idea what that flicker really was nor what it truly meant or could mean to me. It was His watchful, His helpful hand outstretched with loving guidance just waiting for me to reach out and take it in mine. It took my world crashing and crumbling before my very eyes to truly see Him there, waiting to help me up, to help put me back together again, to make me whole like no one and nothing ever could or ever would or ever will.
Why do I share these moments with you? In what other way are we to learn how to more completely rely upon Him without the example of others to help us see more clearly? Are we not also asked to do as Peter once we have found and gained our faith and then go to and help and strengthen others, yes, we are. Luke 22:32 But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren. I cannot sit here any longer knowing the things that I have learned, loving them as deeply and passionately as I do and not share them with others that you might see for yourself how great and marvelous are the works of our God and how deep His love is for us, His children.
The date in which these verses were written was December 26th….1994… Even at the tender age I was when I wrote these two verses in my notebook I somehow knew to turn to the scriptures…though I may not ever have any idea why I wrote either of them and though I’m not even certain what I gained then by reading them, I can look at them now and see that He was always, always, always with me and I had nothing to fear. No matter what was happening or going on I could feel safe and I was and still am for I am always under His watchful care just as you are.
He truly loves all His children, yes, that means you, regardless of where you are in your life. You are precious in His sight and He desires above all else to help you in your daily life, the trials and troubles, every struggle, He is here for you. He is a prayer away, simple as that and He will hear you. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
