This post was written in 2017 not long after my divorce.
Back in the dating world and it’s not always as fun or easy as they make it look in movies. Online dating seems to be the only thing I know right now or am comfortable with. Really, where else do you go to meet people when you are my age? Which by the way isn’t that old but some people make you feel that way. I still have hopes and dreams just like anyone else.
Questioning One’s Failures
Anyway, I had matched with this guy and we had been texting for a couple of days and my past marriages came up. Talking about past marriages is something I am comfortable with. Its a part of me and I have nothing to hide but I found myself being asked so many questions. Questions such as: How long did we date before we were married? How long were we together? What happened to cause the marriage to end? How long before I married the next husband? How long we were together? What caused that marriage to end and in every case what did I do wrong?
This went on through all of my failed marriages. I don’t know what I did wrong in every instance, I don’t. In 2 of them, I honestly believe I did nothing wrong. The marriage was broken and 1 person cannot keep things going, it’s too painful. In one of them, I took my council from the only person I truly trust and even at that I fought it for a year.
It was after this long phone call that I began writing but only the next paragraph. That was actually the message I sent to the guy who made me feel like crap. It wasn’t until the next morning I wrote the rest.
” It has been a long day and the last thing I expected was to go to bed feeling like this…crying…whatever, it doesn’t matter. I know that I am not the sum total of my life of screw-ups. I know that it was every wrong turn that has helped me to become the person I see today.”
Who I am Today
I have come a long way from where I was when I was 18. I have made mistakes and I own them. Though I don’t fully understand why my marriages have fallen apart I know I have a part in them. What I also know, is that I am not the sum total of every mistake I have made. Every mistake has made me who I am.
It has taken me too many years to get to where I am today. A place where I see the beautiful mess that I am and I love myself, something I have never done before. There are years of heartache, neglect, abuse and abandonment issues that created this beautiful mess. One day I will find someone who will see all of that and rather than judge me or try to make me figure it all out. He will look at me and love me all the while helping me to put together the pieces that are left of me.
Everything has fallen apart so that something better can be created and I am holding out for that. Despite what others may think, I know what I deserve. I finally know what I am worth and the right person will be able to see that and won’t for a second judge me based on my messy past.
Repenting of the Past to move Forward
It’s my past and I don’t have to defend it. I’m not sure who said that but I believe it with all my heart. I am not the same person I was 20 years ago. I am completely and utterly different, even from 5 years ago. There are things I have done in my past that I wish I hadn’t but I can’t change that. All I can do is accept that it was something I did, repent and move forward. Which I have done.
I had many things to repent of before I was baptized and I truly believe my sins have been washed clean. I fully understand that just because our Savior and Heavenly Father no longer remember my sins does not mean there are others who have forgotten. In understanding that I know, I must be open to sharing those things with anyone I hope to have a future with. I’d hate for them to be blindsided should someone who used to know me come back into my life and mention things from my past.
What I Have Learned
I am not proud of the fact that I have been married and divorced 4 times now. What I am proud of is the fact that I keep trying to get it right because I believe I will one day. I have learned a lot of valuable lessons from each failed marriage.
My Marriages
I wish I could say I had only been married once before but I can’t. I was too young when I got married the first time and knew nothing about being a wife let alone someone’s second wife. Comparison is something I don’t handle very well.
My parents didn’t make it easy either. My mother felt the only reason he married me was to have a babysitter for his daughters. While I didn’t care to be compared to his ex all the time nor did I want to do things because that’s what she did, I found myself doing them. Thus my first marriage was short-lived.
My second marriage was something we both really wanted and then I got pregnant and our plans got pushed back. They should have been canceled given how my pregnancy went. I will spare you the details but it was hard and heartbreaking at times. There was a lot more fighting than I cared for. We somehow got through the pregnancy and swore we wouldn’t get married just because we had kids together. Sometimes I wonder if that isn’t really why we got married.
In many ways, I am grateful that we did because without that I may not have had my youngest son. Eventually, though that marriage ended.
My third marriage was supposed to be my very last. We were so in love and he was so good to me and to my kids. Our life together was like a fairy-tale in so many ways. Even fairy-tales can have unhappy endings. Somehow things changed for us and you guessed it, we got divorced.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
This was the divorce I thought would kill me. I felt as though I was free falling from space and when I finally hit it was going to be awful. However, when I hit my life changed forever! (that is a whole other story that I’ll get to another time.) He is still one of my closest friends and I will always value his friendship. For that, I am so very grateful.
I thought I finally figured it out with my 4th marriage. After all, it was after my 3rd marriage fell apart that I was open to receiving and accepting the Gospel of Jesus Christ. This one had something none of the rest of them had; I finally had a relationship with Christ and He was a very active part of my marriage.
Sadly, that marriage was short-lived. After many, many prayers to help save my marriage and later for God’s will to swallow up my own when it didn’t seem that praying to save my marriage was working, this marriage came to an end.
It didn’t make sense to me that God wouldn’t want a marriage to work but I have also come to know and understand that His ways are higher than mine. He knows, truly knows what’s best for me. He knew that I deserved more because He knew more about my husband than I did.
Dating
So here I am dating…..searching for that one person who will accept me for all that I am and all that I am not. My faith is great and my standing The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is something that comes with me. Life is far greater with a relationship with my Savior and Heavenly Father than it ever was without them.
My Temple Recommend is like the air you breathe, I refuse to live a day of my life without it and will not risk it to be with anyone. That doesn’t mean I won’t give someone a fair chance should I feel that we could have something incredible.
I am holding out for a prince who will become my king with a temple marriage, I deserve that and whoever takes the time to truly get to know me, to fall in love with me won’t settle for a mortal woman, they will want a princess who will become their queen. There really is no greater love than one that is centered on our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. ~
