It seems strange to me how someone; such as myself could have such faith, deeply & rooted and such knowledge of the truthfulness of the gospel could ever think of just walking away from the church. And yet I have spent a fair amount of time wondering why I really keep at it. My thoughts, seriously have been, What’s the point? Is it really worth it? Why bother doing this alone? The gospel is for families and I am not part of one.
Not anywhere in my thoughts have I questioned the reality of the truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, the restoration of His Church, temple ordinances, the scriptures, modern-day prophets-the list goes on. I believe in all of those things with all my heart. I have since the day my eyes and heart were open to the gospel and I received His pleasing words. Words that reached the very core of me, the very depths of my soul and found the spirit that was always within me.
How then could I ever think of walking away? I used to wonder how anyone could ever walk away once they truly knew. I feel I have gained a little understanding of this, though I am certain the reasons vary and differ from person to person.
For me, this journey started with a companion and a mountain of hope. However, a few years later it has all fallen to pieces and I am left to pick up the mess that has been left behind. All the while realizing how messed up it has really left me. Feeling worthless, not worthy of anyone’s time, effort, energy or love.
So, the journey begins…What am I really worth? The only one that can truly help me see this is my Heavenly Father. What I have learned is that my worth has nothing to do with how people in my life have treated me. Especially when it has been so much less than what anyone on this earth deserves.
There is one who has always known my worth and done His best to help me see it. I am a slow learner I guess but that’s not always a bad thing. He truly wants me to rise up and become the person I am destined to be.
I have been asked to study section 122 of the Doctrine & Covenants and report back to the bishop my thoughts and feelings.
I know that all I am going through in this life is to be for my experience and shall be for my good. I am trying to understand as much as I can about that but sometimes it is painful. Yet, I know its necessary to pass through.
I know I have made some poor decisions and I have learned that I really should listen to that little voice that seems to point out truths I don’t want to see. It’s better to be alone crawling out of a hole than with someone who seems to keep digging the hole deeper.
I have learned that while it at times appears that the gospel is meant for families, it is also meant for the one. The one who is alone, the one who struggles, the one who is lost, the one who is found. We are all “the one”, whether in a family or not. We all need the Savior and His Gospel.
So really, how could I walk away from the one who has never walked away from me? Even when I have given Him every reason it seems to walk away. Truth is, I can’t and I won’t. No matter how hard it may seem at times I have made sacred covenants with Him and I intend to keep them, no matter the cost.
