I have come to not question why my scriptures open at times where they do, rather I am extremely grateful. Sometimes it is the answer to a question that has been weighing on my mind, sometimes quiet reassurance, direction, guidance or in this instant it has caused me to ponder, followed by a flood of sense if you will, conscious awareness or rationality.
The verse that caused me to ponder at this moment is from
Mark 8: 34 And when he had called the people unto him with his disciples also, he said unto them, Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.
“What does it mean to take up one’s cross?”
The very thought that came to mind as I completed reading this verse was, “What does it mean to take up one’s cross?” The first thing I did was pulled up the Merriam-Webster dictionary app on my phone and typed in the words “take up”. As I sifted through the varied meanings given there were two that really hit home on where my own mind had gone as I pondered its meaning.
The first is to accept or adopt for the purpose of assisting. The second is to absorb or incorporate it into itself. Both meanings work beautifully for where I hope to take this topic. In doing so I hope to enlighten your minds and open your hearts to see that all that we endure in this life has a great purpose, though we don’t often understand it as we are in the midst of it.
Called to Be His Witness
The last few days there has been a song that seems to stand out to me each time I hear it, it’s called Witness by Jordan Feliz. I have known for a while now that I am to be His witness, our Savior, and Redeemer Jesus Christ. Though I have not fully understood how or even why He has chosen me for such a task, I have willingly embraced this as part of His plan for me. I have come to notice that the more willing or submissive I am to His will for me the more He is likely to reveal to me by way of understanding what He would have me do.
I have had moments where it has felt as though I have been flooded with what I am to do and with those moments comes doubt on my part in my own abilities, my complete lack of any real education by way of degrees earned and in myself as a person…why should it matter to anyone to know what I have gone through or to know of the life I have lead or how I came to the Gospel of Jesus Christ? Or how I came to accept it, how I came to love it, and how I willingly submitted and allowed Him to change me.
Questioning What I have to Offer
I have heard it said many times and by many sources that we are each a pioneer. I have wondered, what does that truly mean for me? What have I really done in this life that could maybe even help another, even if it were only one person? Does what I do or say really matter? Can events in my life the trials & afflictions I have passed through or overcome really be used to help another find their way out of darkness and despair? Is it possible for anyone to find or even see the light because I have shared with them my struggles? So many questions and it may seem that for some the answers are nonexistent, too few and far between but to others the answers may seem rather obvious and too numerous to count.
There is much I have been through in this life that could help another. Maybe one person or many. Yes, what I do and say really does matter to someone at some point in this life, even if it turns out to be myself. Yes, yes, yes…..events in my life, trials I have passed through, afflictions I have overcome can really be used to help another to find their way; be it out of darkness, despair, a bad situation or whatever the case may be. They must, however, be willing to listen, they must be willing to take the necessary steps required to help themselves and they will need any or every particle of faith in Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father they can muster to help them.
Some of you may be asking yourself what any of this has to do with the scripture I referenced at the beginning, well, I will tell you. It has everything to do with that verse, everything!
I have come to learn a great many things from The Gospel of Jesus Christ but they haven’t necessarily come easy to me and for that I am grateful. I am equally grateful for the people who have helped me to gain a greater understanding along my way. I hope I am able to help you do the same.
Mourning With Those That Mourn
In Mosiah 18: 9 we read that we are to be “willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in”.
This is more than just lending an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, casseroles at funerals or helping a friend or neighbor when they are moving. It goes so much deeper than that. It means sharing our story, our innermost parts, those ones that we don’t really want others to see but they are the very things that have shaped us into the grand and glorious beings we are today, at this very moment or can become such if we are willing to let go and allow Him to heal us. It is in sharing those things that are most ugly and hard about us that we take up our cross and show others how we have done so in following Him.
We are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions!” ~Jeffrey R. Holland
Each of us has been blessed with a wonderful life, should we choose to see it as such. Yes, I know that not all of us or any of us really have had a “wonderful” life but there are moments of great wonder in each of our lives.
There is a Purpose For All Things
We are not the lump sum of all the crap this life has seemed to have dealt some of us. For some have been afflicted with any one of a numbered diseases some born with them, some caused by injury or a tragic event in life others may have in some way been unknowingly self-inflicted based on choices made. Yes, I said choices because there are some diseases that can truly be avoided, alcoholism & drug addiction to name a couple. I am sure there are more but I’m not here to talk about the varied diseases themselves but rather the choices we make as a result of being afflicted with any one of many things.
Some diseases require the help of professionals to medicate and monitor such things, to counsel in ways of coping or understanding. Others have been acted upon, their own agency in many ways stripped from them as they were or maybe even still are under the hand or hands of someone who chooses to misuse their own agency in any number of ways that can, will and do have far-reaching and lasting effects on those they are for lack of a better word causing some form of harm to.
2 Nephi 2:14, 26 14 And now, my sons, I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon.26 …. knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon…
The effect each has on us has some degree of relevance to do with our own attitude in whatever the situation may be. Okay, it’s not just some degree of relevance it has everything to do with our attitude. These things we have been asked to pass through, these crosses we each must bear are not meant to bring us down, to beat us into submission but rather to cultivate in us a strength that can in no other way be gained as we reach for His outstretched hand and take it in ours knowing that as we lean upon Him He will heal our every pain and make us feel whole again.
My Sore Afflictions
Though some pains run deeper than we at times are even aware of, He is the master healer. I have not passed through all pains in this life but I have passed through some….not just those of heartache and grief, loss of a loved one but also the suffering that comes from living a life with alcoholic parents who were also addicted to one drug of choice or another. Add to that physical, mental, emotional and sexual abuse suffered at the hands of some of the very beings who were to instill the moral compass in me based on strong values of love, honor, and commitment to the God who created us all; they were to watch over me, guide me, protect me, nurture me, and show me what it means to love and be loved. Instead, they were the ones who tore me apart, leaving me to feel utterly worthless.
I know what it is like to not be appreciated, to be taken for granted, lied to and stolen from and made to feel guilty for doing the right thing. I know what it’s like to lose a relationship with a child because of someones choice to misrepresent aspects of life. I know what it’s like to have a spouse cheat on you because they are suffering from an addiction to sex and porn. Most of which I experienced before I was in my late 20’s.
Many of us suffer from pains unknown to others, we hide them out of shame-I know I have hidden a lot out of shame. At times it is embarrassing to admit the things I have experienced, to others and even to myself. My childhood is not something I am proud of sharing and it is nothing I would ever want to go back to, not unless I were able to have things be very different. Even then I have wondered what kind of person would I be if my life had been very different than what it was. It’s a hard reality to sit and look back on but it is the very reality, harsh as it was, that shaped me into the very person I am today.
The Choice is Ours to Make
In this life we can choose to be the victim, someone who is acted upon by others adversely typically by force or circumstance, giving others the control over how we feel or act. The victim accepts all that has happened to them as a means of being defeated. They may see that because of what happened to them it justifies abusing or manipulating others. It may even be a coping strategy or is used as a means of attention-seeking.
We could also very easily become a person who is bitter, someone who is mad at the world because of how life is at times. Blaming others for the things that don’t go right or that go completely wrong in life; upset with everyone whose lives appear to be better than their own, resentful of the world around them because of their experiences or sense of unjust treatment. Those who become bitter may even become jaded or cynical about life and everything about it.
Moses 6: 55 (Pearl of Great Price) And the Lord spake unto Adam, saying: Inasmuch as thy children are conceived in sin, even so when they begin to grow up, sin conceiveth in their hearts, and they taste the bitter, that they may know to prize the good.
The Hard Choice
Hardest of all to do is to become the victor, someone who manages to overcome whatever life has thrown or will throw their way and move forward with a sense of gladness even though life may not be all that pleasant at times. Recognizing how any one situation or circumstance has made them better. Appreciating the good in life and accepting the bad as something that has allowed them to grow in a way that they never would have without having gone through it.
“…remember who you are. Remember that you are of the royal house of the kingdom of God, daughters of Heavenly Parents, who reign throughout the universe.
You have the spiritual DNA of God. You have unique gifts that originated in your spiritual creation and that were developed during the vast span of your premortal life.”
My Choice
Somewhere along the line in the crazy messed up life of mine I had to make a choice as to who I was going to be as a result of things that took place in my life. Somehow…by the grace of God I am positive, I have not allowed my circumstances to break me. Though there were moments where I was left completely broken, I did not just stay there in pieces. Rather, I picked myself up, dusted myself off and got back in the game. My track record looks…well I guess it depends on your perspective…some may say I am tenacious while others may wonder why I even bother trying in some areas of my life.
D&C 122:7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
Be Strong Enough to See the Benefits
Today I am strong because I have had to be because I choose to be. I am strong enough to see the benefits of my past. I know gentleness because it is something I have always desired to feel and experience at home. It was something I experienced more through teachers, friends and some extended family members than I ever experienced at home. I am kind, caring, and accepting toward others because those are feelings I felt that I could have used a whole lot more of as a child. I am compassionate and understanding because I know what it feels like to be surrounded by those who are not.
I am trusting….this one still baffles me because I have been given every reason not to trust others. I am smart, far more than I was really given credit for when I was a kid. I am capable of love and affection, showing it towards others as well as giving it to others in ways that are healthy in any relationship though I was never shown real love growing up. Love wasn’t a quality or attribute I learned at home. Most of all I have faith, in our Savior Jesus Christ, stronger than I ever would have known had it not been for all the things I have experienced in this life. I am able to see His hand in all my life, even though in my youth I was unsure of His existence and wasn’t aware of His presence.
With all that being said let us go back to the scripture that has brought us to this point
Mark 8: 34 Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.
Denying Oneself
First of all, what does it mean to deny one’s self and “take up his cross”? If you were to open your scriptures to this chapter and verse you would see that for the phrase “deny himself” there is a footnote that takes you to the topical guide for self -mastery. In reading over some of the verses listed there I began to notice something that helped me to understand more what it means to deny one’s self.
There were phrases such as cease from anger or to bring an end to anger, turn away from wrath, don’t be easily brought to anger, offense or frustration, refrain from evil, bridle your passions, all of which when we are able to do those things helps us to gain control of our actions and responses to others when we are “acted upon“.
Proverbs 25: 28 He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down…
As we gain control over how we react and handle situations, however adverse they may be, we become rulers of our spirits. Those who remain in the state of being the victim or being bitter about their lot in life are “like a city that is broken down”. I have been broken, many times, but most importantly I have been healed just as often, at times being made whole again.
D&C 10:5 (Doctrine and Covenants) Pray always, that you may come off conqueror; yea, that you may conquer…that you may escape…
I had no knowledge of any of this when I made the choice I did in rising above the things that happened to me, circumstances out of my control and yes, poor choices of my own. By His loving grace, I was able to escape the sort of life that could have easily dragged me down the path of endless misery and torment full of anger, offense, frustration, doing unto others those same things that had been done to me. I denied myself of all those things. I didn’t want to be the victim, I didn’t want to be angry my whole life because things didn’t go as I had hoped for. I definitely didn’t want to make others feel the way that I had for all those years by treating them as I was treated. By His holy grace I have “come off conqueror” I am not a slave to my past.
Follow Him
Now that we have a better understanding as to what it means to deny one’s self and “take up his cross” let us address what it means to follow Him? That is something that is personal to each of us.
What did it mean to Peter and Andrew when Jesus came to them and asked them to drop their nets and follow Him? It meant leaving behind the life they knew as fishermen and following the Savior Jesus Christ. While to them it meant walking with Him and ministering to others alongside our Savior. It also meant going forth after He was crucified to preach and teach of Him that others may know of the sacredness of His life and what it means to each of us as individuals, that we may know by what means we are saved. They gave their lives to Him in order that others, you and I, might come to know Him.
Why would anyone do that? If we read further in the next verse:
Mark 8: 35 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it.
They had come to know Jesus, they loved Him and understood the sacrifice they were making. Each of His disciples knew that by giving their life to Him, by serving Him as they did, losing themselves to His great work they would be saved. Losing themselves to His gospel saved their lives, they were able to see passed this mortality, their own earthly probate, and see things with an eternal perspective. That is what He wants for each of us.
What it Means to Me to Follow Him
On a personal level, for me, to follow Him means so much more than I ever thought I would understand. It is doing all those things that His disciples did and so much more. It means following His great example in how I treat others and the manner in which I live my life. By learning more about Jesus Christ through studying His life as well as following His example I have come to know for myself what it means to be like Him, to see others through His eyes and love them as He would love them. I know more fully what it means to be compassionate, humble, meek, submissive to the will of God. I have a greater understanding of what it means to be patient, full of long-suffering and endure to the end. I have gained a greater understanding of what it is He is asking of me as I move forward in faith and follow Him and the example of His life.
1 Nephi 20:10 For, behold, I have refined thee, I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction
It hasn’t always been easy, at times it has been very hard, but when I really stop and think about things, in many ways my life is not much different than that of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He had a humble beginning and lived a simple life, He too was tempted, He was rejected, He gave His will to His Father.
John 5:30 I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me.
He was acted upon quite adversely by others yet He did not complain, He rose above temptation, He showed love and kindness towards others and when acted upon by others we learn in Luke 23:34 that He uttered the words “forgive them; for they know not what they do”. Why then should I conduct myself any differently? There is no reason because I have chosen to follow Him and while that might not always be easy it is what I am here to do, not my will but the will of the Him who as sent me.
I am who I am because of how I chose to be because I have allowed my Savior Jesus Christ to make of me what I was unable to make of myself. I am beautifully broken yet perfectly healed through my faith in Jesus Christ.
2 Corinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly, therefore, will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
My smile, my life, will change the world, not the other way around. Because of Him, I am victorious!
