“Never give up what you want most for what you want today.”
Scrolling through memories on my Facebook, I came across this quote. It made me think of the thoughts that went through my mind a few years ago when my previous marriage was falling apart and I was desperately trying to save it. I had thoughts of leaving the church, thoughts of letting go of the woman I was becoming as I fully embraced our Savior and His teachings. Thoughts of giving up on a temple marriage, being sealed to my companion because it seemed so impossible-to my husband (at the time) to attain.
It was devastating to me, as I watched him pull farther and farther away from me and from the gospel, but I wanted to save my marriage. What I hadn’t yet learned was it was not Heavenly Father’s plan for me and when I came to that reality it was hard for me to comprehend because it seemed to go against everything I had been learning.
It seemed so unreal to me that Heavenly Father would want my marriage to not only fail but fall apart as well. The lesson I had to learn here was so valuable. I needed to trust in my Heavenly Father like I had not yet done before. I needed to submit my will to Him and more fully embrace His plan for me. I wanted to trust Him, I thought I did and in ways I had but this was a whole new ball game.
I struggled for a long time with what I truly felt was being asked of me. I had been divorced before…3 times, and this was so hard because I thought I had all the elements needed for a successful relationship and marriage. Though I had thought that with the marriage before this one, I had come to realize that any good relationship truly needs God at the center of it and I felt that we had. Sadly, I feel I was only led to believe this.
I became a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints shortly after we were married. It was something I had become more interested in in the months previous while we were dating. He had been born into the Church, a member all his life and was the one who in sharing a simple story about the history of the Church and how it came to be, through the life of a small boy who at 14 years of age had the nerve to ask -Which of all the churches was the true church of God?
I don’t even recall how it was we got onto the topic of church. All I remember is sitting there just sobbing as he spoke. I remember feeling as though all the walls I had built around my heart in regards to faith, religion, and God, had come crumbling down. You see, that one question asked by the young Joseph Smith when he was 14 years old was the very same question I had tucked away in my heart way back when I was 12 years old, maybe even younger.
Now, here I was, I had completely changed in so many ways. I had moments where I wasn’t even sure why I said what I had just said because it was so unlike the person I used to be. I was full of faith and hope, unlike anything I had ever known. I was finally becoming the person I had always tried to be but couldn’t quite reach on my own and I really liked who I was becoming.
In so many ways I felt alone in our marriage. He was trying to make a go of his own business and while it seemed at times he had regular work there was rarely money to help with things around the house. I worked a regular job with a consistent paycheck which was used to support us, house, cars, insurance, food, gas, and other utilities. For a while, I even did my best to make sure there was enough money for us to make monthly trips to Utah so we could see his kids and he could continue to foster a relationship with each of them. I took care of the house at least the inside as the garage was full of this and that, nothing in order and nowhere to park. I watched the yard become an awful pit, rarely if ever mowed, weeds 7 feet high and random junk piled off to the side. It was depressing.
It seemed with each year we were married there were new challenges and struggles. Each year seemed harder than the one before. All I could think to do was pray my heart out, pleading, even begging for His help to save my marriage. There was even a moment where I was screaming and crying because I had done everything I could think to do and nothing was changing.
It had all taken a great toll on me and was greatly effecting me, my attitude, and my spirit. I was too proud to share with anyone I worked with how things were at home and it wasn’t until near the end of our marriage that I sought counsel from the Bishop in our ward. Not even his counsel helped save my marriage.
Somewhere in all of my prayers, there was an answer…I needed to immerse myself in my scriptures, I needed to learn of Christ. I did just that. With my husband gone, “working” all the time it seemed to be all I could do.
In our last year of marriage, I lost my job, the one that was supporting us. When the money I had run out I turned to him because we had reached a point where we were at risk of losing our home. He looked at me and said, “Sorry”. That was it, nothing more. My heart sunk, I hoped he would step up and do the right thing and help out but I guess that wasn’t part of the plan Heavenly Father had in store for me either.
Six months after losing my job I was able to find a new one and in spite of everything that had happened I was still hoping to save my marriage. Shortly after starting my new job, we separated for a while in the hopes of changing things. It worked for a bit and so I asked him to move back.
Things seemed to fall apart only 4 months after that. This was about the time he quit going to church with me altogether and my thoughts of leaving the church increased over the next 2 months. By then six months had passed and I came to realize what Heavenly Father’s will for my marriage was. It was a hard pill to swallow but I knew it needed to be over. I think I had known for a very long time that it needed to be over but wasn’t ready or even willing to admit it.
I thought that I was trying to hold on to what really mattered, my marriage. Turns out what mattered more was me and what mattered most was my relationship with Christ, the hopes and dreams I had of being truly loved by someone, cared for deeply, in a sense taken care of. I wanted to be sealed to my companion, married in the temple of our God and Heavenly Father knew how deeply I desired all of those things and He wanted for me to have them in their fullest.
That was something I wasn’t ever going to have with the man I was once married to and Heavenly Father was very aware of that. Our Heavenly Father knew the woman I always hoped to be, the woman I was becoming through faith in His Son, Jesus Christ.
He has a work for me to do and He knows how deeply I desire to do His work. I have long felt that He wants me to share my story, life, my struggles, the good, and the bad that have shaped me. He wants me to help others see the good in them, their strength, courage, and great tenacity, all things that are magnified through faith in our Savior Jesus Christ.
So, what happened to me… I did what I needed to do, I did what Heavenly Father asked of me. My husband and I divorced and each went separate ways. Through it all, I had been able to save the house from foreclosure and eventually sold it. Why? Because I felt very impressed that Heavenly Father wanted me to move…not just to another place so I could be in the same ward but to a whole new state. A state I had only visited but where I knew no one, had no job or even job prospects, not even an inkling as to why I needed to go to this particular area.
You see, Heavenly Father wanted me to move to Salt Lake City, Utah, where I knew I would be living in the Avenues in downtown Salt Lake. I had no idea how it was all going to come together, I just knew I had to have faith. And if I had learned anything through all of this it was that I had faith and it was deep and strong and had carried me thus far not once had it let me down.
As for being sealed…that came a few months down the road after some much-needed soul searching to see if I really was the person I felt I had become. I stayed true to the faith I had come to embrace when I was baptized and through my furnace of affliction in that marriage, I held true to the faith I had cultivated. I have come to see for myself how perfect His timing is.
Turning away from the Church would have been the easy thing to do as far as saving my marriage but it would have cost me dearly. I would have lost the person I was becoming, I would have been placing my own salvation at risk and that is too great a risk for anyone to take away from me, even if I had made the choice.
While finding Love and getting it right the first time seems to work for so many it isn’t always the case for everyone. I am grateful for the lessons along the way, grateful for each mistake I have made that has prepared me to be the woman I am today. A woman who is worthy of the man and love I have found in Kevin, a man who is just as worthy as me. Because I chose to hold onto my faith in our Savior and embrace Heavenly Father’s will for me I have found the love I have long desired to have. We were sealed/married in the Bountiful Utah Temple and are so very grateful to have found one another.
When I look back and think that I almost walked away from my faith to save a marriage that was destined to fall apart I am grateful to have been brought to a point where I could truly recognize Heavenly Father’s voice. That’s something I might not have learned had I not married that man. While he was busy doing whatever it was he was busy doing I was at home cultivating a relationship with my Savior…the most important relationship I or anyone will and can ever have.
So if you find yourself feeling lost and alone, turn to Him, our Savior Jesus Christ. Come to know Him as you learn of Him, and His teachings and learn for yourself that it is possible to achieve all that you desire. Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” Know that You can do all things as you feel Him strengthen you.
